Brooks’ Groin Pain as Metaphor

Okay, let’s review our pre-game ‘The World is Against Us and We’re Bitter About It’ checklist. First game of the season on the road? Check. In a hostile environment against a division opponent? Check. Superbowl trophy presentation, including retired superstar player and fan-favorite? Check. New coach? Check. Preseason injury bug? Check. Looks like we’re all set to get this season started!

Even with the Checklist of Doom, I certainly did not expect the Redskins to come out and play one of the worst halves of football I think I have even seen. Aside from a seven-point gift at the end of the half from the Giants and the guys in stripes, the Redskins were about as bad as you can be in all three phases of the game. The only bright spot was Durant Brooks getting his family jewels run into on a punt (okay, maybe not a bright spot for him) which kept the drive alive, and allowed the offense to get a little extra work and go six-and-out, instead of the usual three-and-out. Nice work, fellas. It’s true, we got punched in the mouth, and didn’t do much punching back. When the clock turned over to start the fourth quarter, you could feel that the game was already over – not because there wouldn’t be ample time to score twice, but because the Redskins – despite their resilience in the second half – did not have enough motivation or momentum to pull it out. Let’s hope that next week we’re Tommy Lee, and the Saints are the paparazzi.

And now, enough with these coherent organized thoughts, and onto some random drivel….

‘Holding, offense, number GU…’ I realize what kind of contribution Gene Upshaw made to the NFL, but holy crap those ‘GU’ uniform patches were huge. They were dinner plate size. Satellite dish size. See them from space kinda size.  I could go on.

Rule changes. Apparently, everyone except Brandon Jacobs and Ed Hock-u-lee missed the offseason rule change that states that it is again acceptable to head slap, but only if you do it after the play is over. Our fault for not paying attention.

My 4-year old doesn’t push that much. I’ve decided that I’m going to break in to the Giants equipment room, and add a decal on the front of Toomer’s and Burress’s helmets that reads ‘I PUSH OFF’, in an effort to help the refs, because apparently they need it. The PI call on Smoot in the end zone was bogus – sure, he had his hands on Toomer, but Toomer pushed off. I’ll keep you updated on my breaking-and-entering efforts.

The little things. They say it’s the little things that win or lose games. While not much was made of them at the time, bungled interceptions by Smoot, Landry and two by Rogers had a huge impact on the game. Moss slowing down on the incomplete stop-and-go that, knowing Moss’s ability to make a catch in traffic, could very well have resulted in a touchdown. Thrash having a touchdown pass go through his hands in the waning moments. Those are the types of plays that we need to make if this team is going to take the next step.

Announcement: ‘Jeff Feagles and John Carney – BINGO will be held in the cafeteria at 3:30 this evening, immediately following dinner. The shuffleboard tournament has been moved to Saturday at 2 p.m., assuming all players wake from their naps. Whoever lost a set of teeth in the eggs at breakfast this morning, please report to the lost-and-found. Good day.’

Obscure stat of the week. While Zorn is tied for ‘Most Passes by a Former Player Head Coach’, he dominates in all-time stats of ‘Most Passes by a Lefty Taurus Former Player Head Coach Currently Sporting a Flat Top’. Dominates. Top that stat, NBC.

New coach, same story. Still with the poor clock management and poor play-calling. Third-and-one, and we can’t come up with anything more dynamic than a dive?!? Especially with the O-line getting manhandled all night?

It’s a boy! Congrats to Santana Moss, who apparently gave birth to a football last night – or at least that’s what it looked like as he sat on the ground after making a catch (and losing his helmet). We hear dad and football are resting comfortably.

Again with the 3rd downs. I preached this all last year, and no one told me to shut up, so I’m going to continue to preach it this year. The inability to convert your third downs is a killer. 3 for 13 will not get it done. What was especially frustrating was that while third down passes were completed, the ball carrier was stopped a yard or two short of the first down. Part of that is good defense, but most of it was just bad offense.

The Perseverence Award goes to… LaRon Landry, for getting up-ended on a blitz, keeping his feet, and making the sack on Manning. And that after getting run over by Brandon Jacobs earlier on the game. Just a glimpse of the type of player he is (and will be).

Note to Coach Zorn: Chris Cooley cannot block Justin Tuck one-on-one. Just so you know.

Help – I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! I swear that Clinton Portis must fall down just standing there sometimes. It seems like when he catches the ball, his head gets ahead of his feet, and he just falls down on his own. Maybe they should check him for vertigo.

Correct me if I’m wrong but…I thought we traded for Jason Taylor this preseason? It’s funny, I didn’t see him out there….oh, here he is, two tackles on the night. On a night when the Giants threw the ball 35 times. That’s 35 opportunities to record a sack, or a pressure, or get within 10 feet of the QB.

Okay, it’s an ugly start to a season that many thought would be an exciting year. However, a warning to the pessimists and naysayers – it will get worse before it gets better. The schedule-makers have not been nice to us this year, and the true character of this team will not be revealed until about week 12 or 13, when the offense starts clicking, and the schedule eases up a bit. If the Redskins can pull themselves out of the hole that they’ll be in after week 5, we’ll be okay. If not, well, then you can wallow in your misery all you want, enjoy it.

And to my fellow optimists, let’s focus on the bright spot – hey, did you see how well Durant Brooks took that shot to the groinal area? This guy is going to be a superstar someday!