All of our quarterbacks suck, especially RG3, and not because he's the black one. There is nothing wrong with my offensive scheme. It is an advanced, proven, and perfectly designed offensive scheme. We just don't have adequately talented quarterbacks in-house to execute the scheme. The scheme I installed is so genius that none of these quarterbacks is good enough to play it. My plan is to draft a fourth quarterback in the offseason. Alternatively, Romo is a big-name aging star - I could definitely envision trading RG3 to the Cowboys for Romo. Knowing what a terrible quarterback RG3 is, that would give us two guaranteed victories against Dallas every year going forward. Super genius.
I had a hard-on for Colt McCoy (my other white Jesus), but since the offensive line doesn't understand my scheme his neck got snapped, and also I think McCoy doesn't understand the scheme either seeing how he played with two interceptions and 0 points. Shame. In addition to a new quarterback we also need to draft an entirely new offensive line because these guys can't play. McCoy's neck got snapped because Trent Williams didn't execute at all (literally was frozen in place), and also he's developing a nasty habit of penalties in critical situations. He looks frustrated and out of it most of the time with his arms open staring at the quarterback. He's regressing and has a bench in his future.
Running Back
Our running back sucks. I demand production from my players, and if they don't execute, they're going to get pulled from the game no matter how good they might seem on paper or how good their past performance may have been. I also don't care about the potential future upside to the franchise. Alfred had good years in the past, but frankly I think that turned him into a bit of a diva. I don't like how he dresses, his attitude, or his social media presence either. In the entire first half, Alfred Morris had a total of just one yard rushing. Unacceptable. Clearly he doesn't understand my offense, has no production, and needs to sit back and study how to run from the sidelines. He was drafted alongside RG3 and his performance has exactly mirrored that of RG3 - great as a rookie, average in 2013, horrible under me. That's all on him. He's the other half of the problem. I'm planning to bench him along with RG3 and put in a third-stringer at running back and see what they can do. Super fly.
Team Name
It's not all doom and gloom out there. The team name rocks. There are an infinite number of possible team names, and clearly we chose the best one available. It was chosen back in '32 way before the silly idea of desegregation took off, and it's still a relevant and healthy name as we approach the new '32. The fans who dress up like Indian war chiefs with full headdresses and loud warbling war chants are so totally not racist it's not even cool. Besides, it would be too painful to part with all my Redskins-logo beer mugs. Those beer mugs are a part of my heritage. My daddy passed them down to me (okay, he kind of dropped them to me when he was drunk, but still). I don't care if our trademarks get canceled. We've already sued the Injuns for whining and we'll just sue the government too. It is completely appropriate for the name of a national sports team to literally refer to the color of an ethnic group's skin. That's not racist, that's smart. It's good to see all the smart fans support Dan Snyder on this one. It's not about Dan avoiding paying the rebranding costs, it's about recognizing Dan Snyder's excellent decision. The name stays, yo.
Head Coach
I like to end on an optimistic note, so now we get to me. I will never change how I coach. I am passionate about what I do, and it will never change, so get used to it. I've seen some fans criticize me for not trying very hard and just lacking energy and direction on the sidelines. Well I have just four words for you: I can't be fired. I have a five-year contract, and unlike RG3, every single penny of that 20 mil is guaranteed. Frankly, I could live a very nice upper class life on just the interest on just one-tenth of the money guaranteed to come my way. If I wanted to and it wasn't so obvious, I would just get a chair and sit on the sidelines instead of standing all the time like those coaches worried about their jobs. You stats nerds make me laugh. I've got a story for you. There was this crazy woman who wore a Star Trek outfit to a court trial, and people laughed in her face for being an idiot. You people wearing your football jerseys in public are just like that woman. You're not on the team. It's funny seeing you debate all the stats and intricate details of the team in this forum when you have absolutely zero input in real life, nor does the team in any way impact your life in the real world. Hahaha!
When you have 20 mil in your pocket even another 20 mil doesn't really improve your quality of life all that much. I guess I could upgrade from a regular yacht to a super yacht. I'm rich! Anywho, peace y'all. Enjoy work tomorrow, and keep buying those beer mugs and jerseys.
#HATR