Kicked in the gut...

[Skinsfan55]

Hey all,

My best friend in the world, let's call him Mike is getting married next year. We're real close, have been through thick and thin, and have been nearly inseperable since Freshman year of college.

We've been through a lot, getting ticketed in Montrose, me helping him through his relationship problems, his emotional problems with school, wanting to run back home and drop out of school...

He, and I, and his fiance' (then girlfriend) lived together a few years ago, I thought we all got along (eventually.)

"Mike" and I have talked breifly in the past about serving as each other's best man, it just felt right, like your best man is supposed to.

Well, come to find out... Mike kind of lets slip that he's asked another friend, Jack to be his best man... at the bequest of his soon to be bride. The reason? Jack looks more natural, and like a couple when paired with the Maid of Honor than I supposedly would.

Mike says that his fiance' "Amy" "forced him to choose "Jack" as his best man, but could this really be so? Wouldn't a true friend dismiss that as a ridiculous request and fight to keep his best friend as his best man?

I guess not.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive... but I'm {stupidity edit} crushed right now.

Yeah, I still get to be an "usher", but I was practically already slated as the best man... and yet no one thought enough of my feelings to let me know about this decision when it was made... I had to hear it slip out months after the fact.

It's just hard to explain how important it was (I say was because this was probably my one and only chance) to me to be a Best Man. Is that selfish? That I am upset because I won't be cast in the role of Best Man? It's just something I always pictured myself doing, taking a big part in making their wedding a success...

It wouldn't be so bad if Mike had asked his (half) brother, or another friend, Rob who he is also very close to... but he asked Jack... whom he is not especially close to and who was mainly chosen because he "matches" the Maid of Honor.

I'm really upset, so I'm not even acting rationally right now... but what are my options?

-Would it be terribly petty and childish to not even go to their wedding? Probably, and like I said I am pretty upset right now.

-I never pictured anyone else but Mike as my Best Man when I get married someday... but now... this just hurts too much. I'm having real second thoughts about ever asking him.

-Can I still go to their wedding but decline to participate? Is that petty and childish?

-Should I write to dear abby about this?

Like I said, I'm just completely floored (the bad kind)... so I'm really pretty Eyoreish right now... but tomorrow's another day.

[Steve Spurrier III]

Maybe I'm just too sensitive... but I'm *edit* crushed right now.

Maybe, maybe not. But regardless, you need to man up and act like it doesn't bother you. Just because your friend didn't act in the manliest way possible doesn't mean you shouldn't. At the end of the day, this guy probably won't be your best man, and that's when he'll get his. And if he does end up being your best man, you'll regret not partcipating in his wedding.

That's just my opinion. Hope it turns out all right.

[hailskins666]

just another reason to break the rules and use profanity in a public forum, huh 55?

[Chris Luva Luva]

I dont blame you for being upset. When you forge a friendship with another dude where you arent only bestfriends but brothers and a chick comes inbetween it, thats bad.

J and I have done all kinds of crazy things.

He got approached by a jealous dude and about 14 of his friends while we were walking down the street and our other "brother" ran. I told J that I'd fight with him and we knew we were about to get our behinds handed to us.

We all got into it at the club with some fools who couldnt just have a good time. Again "brother" #3 just watched and didn't help. J got swarmed by like 3 dudes and I had to go back to the confrontation (cops were on the scene) and fend them off while #3 watched.

....../rant

Seriously be mad at your "bestfriend" for not being man enough to stand up for what he wanted. Im all about compromise but you have to stand up for yourself sometimes. Picking the bestman can be a big deal and to not have any balls this early in his soon to be marriage...

[joebagadonuts]

As much as it might hurt, remember that this is HIS day, not yours. As a true friend (and not someone who is out to hurt someone who hurt you), you should simply be willing to do whatever he asks of you.

After the wedding, you could calmly tell him how you feel, but to do so beforehand would be wrong, in my opinion.

If you don't feel like you can perform your usherly duties without moping about it, you should respectfully decline his request to be in the wedding, but still attend.

[Justice Hog]

If you guys actually talked about being the best man for each other, of course this hurts.

Something tells me that there is something else going on here. Any man with stones would tell his soon-to-be bride that who the best man is is HIS decision, not hers. If she actually forced him to pick someone else, the marriage is doomed from the start.

Back to you.

Suck it up and be there for your friend. You're still a groomsman and that, too, is an honor not a lot of people have.

[Chris Luva Luva]

As much as it might hurt, remember that this is HIS day, not yours.

Seems like its his girls day and not his too. He wasnt allowed to have his bestfriend be his best man. Thats pathetic.

As a true friend (and not someone who is out to hurt someone who hurt you), you should simply be willing to do whatever he asks of you.

I agree you should be there for him still, but I dont fault you for being upset.

[BossHog]

Yes... you're being kind of petty and selfish.

Who cares what you thought 'the score' was or if your buddy just doesn't have the stones to tell his wife who his best man should be... aren't you proving the decision to be CORRECT?

It's the best man's job to look out for the groom - not themself.

What did your friend say about it?

Or did you tell a bunch of strangers before you gave your supposed best friend any benefit of the doubt and asked him for the reason?

Perhaps one or both of the couple just thought that the job should go to someone who would put the wishes of the couple ahead of their own.

[joebagadonuts]

As much as it might hurt, remember that this is HIS day, not yours.

Seems like its his girls day and not his too. He wasnt allowed to have his bestfriend be his best man. Thats pathetic.

Pathetic indeed. And I'd agree that any relationship where the groom is influenced as to who his best man is most likely is headed for rough waters. But that has nothing to do with SF55. Whatever the percentage of who's day it is, it's 0% SF55's day. He should just focus on what his friend has asked of him.

If you can't do that (and I wouldn't blame you in the least if you couldn't), the you should politely decline to be a part of the wedding. If it were me, I'd still attend. Not going entirely may be one of those things you regret later on.

[Chris Luva Luva]

I think every guy has a friend that your significant other doesn't care for and you have to defend him constantly. lol Just like the NFL Network commerical.

[Skinsfan55]

just another reason to break the rules and use profanity in a public forum, huh 55?

Actually I just cut and pasted this from a different source without even thinking so I could have a different place to vent... I realized that I used bad language at about 1 in the morning last night, and it was too late to change it because I was in a place without internet access.

Sorry for causing any trouble, and I appologize to whoever had to clean up the mess...

If I get a suspension, I would understand, but I hope I'm not kicked of indefinitely.

[Skinsfan55]

Yes... you're being kind of petty and selfish.

Who cares what you thought 'the score' was or if your buddy just doesn't have the stones to tell his wife who his best man should be... aren't you proving the decision to be CORRECT?

It's the best man's job to look out for the groom - not themself.

What did your friend say about it?

Or did you tell a bunch of strangers before you gave your supposed best friend any benefit of the doubt and asked him for the reason?

Perhaps one or both of the couple just thought that the job should go to someone who would put the wishes of the couple ahead of their own.

That's a pretty rash assessment, but considering all you know about me is this message board, and all I know about you is the same...

Anyway, I don't want to be his best man because of the honor, and the "title" I wanted to do it because I'm close to him, because we've been through so much, because I like(d) his fiance' and because I think I could handle the responsibility and obligations well...

My friend actually said to me. "Amy 'forced' him to pick Jack" because "they" wanted the bridesmaids and ushers to look like a couple when they come out, and I don't look natural enough with the maid of honor...

This is pretty weak... I am strongly considering not participating in the wedding because it seems like a farce.

Shouldn't the maid of honor and the best man be the two people that are closest to the bride and groom? Not people chosen based on something as superficial as asthetics? Why is the pagentry of the wedding put above the important stuff?

Oh well, I thought I would vent about it to "a bunch of strangers" because I'm not ready to talk to him about it... or even sure if I should talk to him about it as joebagadonuts pointed out.

[BossHog]

I wasn't being rash at all, i didn't leap to any judgement, but whether you like it or not, an 'outsider' with no vested interest whatsoever can atually probably provide a more non-emotional viewpoint.

I think you're naive to think that your friend is going to provide you with the ACTUAL reason you were not selected to be the best man. Tell me, if you think that your friend lacks the guts to stand up to his wife for you, what makes you think he has the guts to give you the REAL reason they didn't select you to be the best man.

People are always going to tell you what thjey think that you want to hear in any given situation... ot at least lessen the blow by coming up with an excuse that puts the blame squarely on someone else.

But that doesn't mean it's true.

Your friends may have decided that while you may think of yourself as his best friend, they don't think that you can be selfless enough to do all that is required of a best man. Even if it was a silly reason like aesthetics... what's silly to you might not be silly to her and consequently... not silly to your friend either. There's a lot of pressure that goes along with planning a wedding and to make such finite decisions on what this means to your friendship seems very premature to me. if he truly is a good friend then i really have no idea how you can possibly even think about what you're going to do about the situation until you've told him at least how you feel.

I do know that it doesn't matter WHY they made the decision NOR the reasoning they gave you, if you're a friend, you'll be there for your friend... whether you feel slighted or not.

Because when you're old enough to look back 20 years at the situation... the ONLY unforgiveable act if the two of you are still friends would be not showing up for his wedding because of a personal animosity.

Perhaps you need to accept that your 'married' friend may not make all of the same decisions that he did before. That doesn't NECCESSARILY make him a wuss... that just means that he has someone in his life who's opinion matters to him and that it may change the way he sees some things. Sure some guys are doormats and that's not something I'm condoning, I'm just saying that when you enter a binding relationship of any kind, someone else's opinion is going to start going into the 'decision making equation' where it never used to... don't expect the results to be so predictable.

[Chris Luva Luva]

Perhaps you need to accept that your 'married' friend may not make all of the same decisions that he did before. That doesn't NECCESSARILY make him a wuss... that just means that he has someone in his life who's opinion matters to him and that it may change the way he sees some things. Sure some guys are doormats and that's not something I'm condoning, I'm just saying that when you enter a binding relationship of any kind, someone else's opinion is going to start going into the 'decision making equation' where it never used to... don't expect the results to be so predictable.

Great advice. Ive definately learned how to compromise and it works wonders. But in this situation, I'd have to have my best man be my best man and not some Ken doll for some wack pictures Im never going to look at anyway.

Now if its something like....ughh....looking for a couple to vacation with...Id flex a bit with that.

But like many have said, still be there for him.

[Skinsfan55]

The part that gets me is that Jack has only known him for a couple years tops... and isn't half as close...

If my friend Mike had picked his brother, or another one of his best friends (his current roommate) I wouldn't be half as upset (despite the fact that we'd talked about being each other's best man in the past.)

Don't get me wrong, Jack is a good guy... but he's pretty wooden, completely unemotional, seems to not even like Mike's fiance, not that organized, etc...

Picking him makes no real sense... picking his half brother or his other friend Rob would be fine with me... but IMO of all the ushers involed... Jack is the weakest choice.

Maybe that's why I'm not having a hard time buying this story.

It may not be true, and if it's not that may change the way I feel about participating.

I'll still 100% attend if invited, but I am having serious reservations about attending.

I probably won't be any more than a year behind Mike in getting married... so this makes me wonder about my choice for best man also. I've never even pictured anyone else carrying the honor than him when my time comes...

Anyway, before I make a decision on if I will accept or decline the invitation to participate I will need to talk to him...

I just wish it wasn't going to be such a hard thing to do.

[tazlah]

This is pretty weak... I am strongly considering not participating in the wedding because it seems like a farce.

Without reading BH's reply back (nor your reply back to him), all I can say to this statement is that if you don't attend your "best friend's" wedding because of something as petty as who his "best man" is, then a) you're a child and b) your friendship is a farce. Grow up. This day is NOT about you. Regardless of whether or not she "made" him choose the other guy as best man, suck it up, be a man/friend, and help make this day one to remember for your friend and his wife. It's their choice, whomever they choose. It's too bad your feelings got hurt in the process... but is it worth ending the friendship over? If so, then it wasn't a true and unconditional friendship to begin with.

[Skinsfan55]

Taz,

I said I was considering not participating... I will still attend if invited.

They will be married approximately 6 hours from where I live in the beginning of July next year, a time when I will have been freshly graduated from college and searching for a career.

If he really thinks to little of me to not stand up for me, tell me the truth about why he made a different choice, or whatever (all things I need to discus with him before making my decision) then why would I want all the added responsibility to help plan his bachelor party, attend several rehersal dinners, or any of that stuff?

I'd have to move back with my parents for a couple weeks, maybe a month just so I could do all the work of a best man that Jack will be ill equipped to handle. All while I should be out there trying to start my career.

[UK Skins Fan]

I've actually had a similar experience myself. For a few days, it hurt like hell, and I went from disbelief to anger and probably a dose of self pity as well. Then came the guilt at thinking so much about myself, rather than what my mate wanted.

For me, it was easier because the guy chosen as best man is also a good friend of mine, and I was still involved in the wedding as an usher.

After a while, I concluded that I was better off not being the best man, because the whole event became something of a circus during the run up, and I'm not sure that I would have been the right guy for the job. That's when it dawned on me that that may have been exactly the reason I wasn't chosen - I may actually have given the impression that I wasn't 100% up for it. And if that's the case, then why should I be the best man for the job?

My advice - go the wedding. Stop making this about you, and remember that the guy is still your mate, and nothing has happened to change that. You might think he's got it wrong, but if that's true, then it was his mistake to make. It's his day, and his bride's day - and your job now is to do what you can to contribute to what should be a defining moment of their life together. And if you do that, then perhaps your mate might one day think he made a mistake. But if you don't go, or you sulk about it openly, then he'll know that he made exactly the right decision.

You could be a best man for the day, or a friend for life.

[Fios]

OK, so I am essentially going to say ditto to the above in long-form:
First, you said in the initial post you were contemplating not attending at all. Not to pile on you but your replies have been a bit "me" centric.
Assuming his motives behind picking someone else are understandable (and that word becomes much more flexible where weddings are concerned) you're still on-the-hook as his best friend to help the guy have a fun bachelor party. It's his (their) event, you need to learn to sublimate the "me/I" response if you truly value the friendship.

[Hoss]

I say invite one of his ex's, that his fiance hates, as your guest to the wedding and get sloppy drunk beforehand. Let us know how it went.

[Skinsfan55]

Yeah, my responses are a little "me" centric... I'll admit to that much, because as UKSF points out... it hurts like hell.

But if the story is true, that he was "forced" and he picked Jack for no other reason than to add to the pagentry of the wedding... it's not the kind of event I want to be involved in.

Mike is like the brother I never had, we'd talked about being there for each other as Best Man and when it came down to it... he buckled.

While he was trying to mitigate the whole thing... he was saying. "Well, you're still going to be right there with me... and you'll have the truck running out back in case I want to split." (an inside joke from a story my dad tells about he and my mom's wedding.)

I feel like I've been with the guy for every big moment since we've met... when he had a falling out with his dad, when he had relationship trouble with Amy, when he had a falling out with his friend/roommate Rob the first time, when he had a breakdown and wanted to drop out of school and move back home with his mom...

I still want to be there for the guy, and I know he'll be real sad if I decline to participate... but I don't know what to do.

[BossHog]

Nice greeting card UK.



Seems you're asking for advice but not actually heeding any that's given SF55... so do as you like.

Because of pagentry it's not the kind of thing you want to be a part of? It's a WEDDING dude... it's ABOUT pagentry. Otherwise you just hit the city hall or vegas. I'll tell you one thing, you say that you've 'been with him for every big moment since you met' and yet you're talking about missing the biggest one of his life? Like I said.. missing his wedding will become the 'biggest mistake' your friendship has ever seen, not him not asking you to be the best man.

Let me ask you a question... maybe it'll strip off the emotion you have put into this and give you some perspective... a simple analogy...

You and this exact same friend that is getting married walk into a bar to watch a football game. Things get a little bit raucous and your friend starts doing shots with his beer and before you know it, he's piss drunk. He's making pretty much an ass of himself and then he suddenly does it to the wrong guy.... someone who takes exception... that someone stands up and gets in your buddy's face... your buddy meant no harm, he's just drunk... but he was being very beligerent... your buddy sobers up long enough to realize that he's put himself in a predicament... he tries to walk away, but the other guy is jacked now... he cracks your buddy over the head from behind... your buddy goes down in a heap on the floor and the guy just starts laying the boots to him.

Are you the kind of friend who walks away and leaves him there? Or are you the kind of friend that bites the bullet, regardless of circumstance, and stands up for your buddy?

[tazlah]

...then why would I want all the added responsibility to help plan his bachelor party, attend several rehersal dinners, or any of that stuff?

I'd have to move back with my parents for a couple weeks, maybe a month just so I could do all the work of a best man that Jack will be ill equipped to handle. All while I should be out there trying to start my career.

I agree.. why would you ... YOU ARE NOT THE BEST MAN. These are NOT your concerns. If you friend wanted you to have these added responsibilities, then he would have asked you to be his best man. It is really not your problem if Jack is ill-equipped. (Is Jack mentally deficient?) These issues are between the groom, bride, maid-of-honor, and best man. NOT YOU.

[UK Skins Fan]

Nice greeting card UK.

I know, that was so corny, I could have been a yank.

No offence intended to my American brothers.

[Skinsfan55]

BH, believe me, I am digesting the advice... just trying to correct some misconceptions, and let people know how I feel before they come in with their advice.

Okay, in the first post, right after I found out I said I was considering not going at all... since then I've completely eliminated that as an option.

Completely eliminated that as an option.

I will still attend his wedding, but am considering not taking an active part, i.e. participating.

Even that is not 100% certain.

But yeah, in that scenario, I would absolutely help my friend out. (Though I'd like to think I could intervene before he's actually laid out.)

There wouldn't be a question in my mind... like I said before, the kid is like my brother , and I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit for him.