Real Extracts From Our Courtrooms

[1niksder]

"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

* * *

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

* * *

"Did he kill you?"

* * *

"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

* * *

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

* * *

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

* * *

"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

* * *

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

* * *

"Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."

* * *

"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

* * *

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."

[yupchagee]

A some people wonder why lawyers get no respect.

[Justice Hog]

Man, leave it to yupchagee to chime in with his anti-lawyer stuff.

Wanna hear something funny? I'll tell you a true one about a DUI case I prosecuted years ago.

A cop rolls up on a truck, pulled off on the side of the road with it's butt-end sticking out in the roadway. Engine was running. Driver passed out at the wheel.

Cop parks in back of truck with bubblegum lights on.

Cop walks up to driver's window and bangs several times. No response from driver.

Cop bangs again. Still no response.

Cop walks around to passenger side and bangs again. No response.

Noticing the door is unlocked, Cop then reaches in and turns off ignition to truck.

This startles the guy who looks in his mirror, looks over to the cop and says, "Shhhhhh. There's a cop in back of me!'

No lie.