The-Hogs.net - Washington Football Discussion, Redskins to Commanders Era

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The
perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around
at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However,
lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to

believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your

influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you
make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact
they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian

meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped
off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer
the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely
unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body

mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never

take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.


4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that
you carefully review my griev! ances above & address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy
hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer
for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening,
officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants
to hear me sing.

Exactly what I used to say to my bottle of scotch every night. But we worked out a deal now; as long as I drink out of my 'smaller' 70's-style Redskins glasses, and I put a lot of ice in it, and I don't drink more than two per night, than he treats me right.

Beer and other liquors (i.e. Tequilla, Gin [& tonic], etc.) still like to play those mean games sometimes. Of course, beer always strings it out, but he always sneaks up on me - and that last one that I can never refuse usually ends up creating the hangover.

Beer is also bad because, even after a long night spent together, it forces me to drink it as early as 10:00 am the next morning. It is very keen to the fact that I enjoy playing golf, and knows that I have a hard time unless it is with me. But alas, I am attached - and I have no defense - so I drink.

One of my best friends, wine (of the red variety), is usually good to me. Wine knows that I get very tired after a half-bottle. What's that? Oh, no, no, well, ok - a full bottle. But I am perfectly happy with my wine compatriot, for I can always get a good night's rest if I plan my night with wine accordingly.

All in all, I am happy with my relationship with alcohol. If I could only avoid those few bad nights....and the "all-day" binges....and the card games....and the local Irish pub....

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer
for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening,
officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants
to hear me sing.

That the best part

mmm. beer.