What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans tired of being distracted by \u201csensible\u201d analysis, backed by \u201cfacts\u201d and \u201cknowledge.\u201d If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are \u201creality\u201d and \u201clogic,\u201d then this is your port of call.<\/p>\n
This week at the Six Pack we have an exclusive, our first ever. We were actually able to get our hands on the running and extremely (in fact often explicitly and frighteningly) detailed diary kept by none other than Vinny Cerrato. This is a real coup, in the same way that finding your sister\u2019s 7th grade diary is a coup except that Vinny\u2019s has way more drawings of unicorns. In fact, were it possible to gauge something like this, we\u2019d say way too many unicorns and way too much attention to certain details. But we digress so we\u2019ll just get out of the way and bring you, the lucky readers, the page by page account of how it all went down in the Snyder box at Ford Field.<\/p>\n
What a glorious Sunday this is, time for some football. Mr. Snyder is sitting right here next to me \u2026 well, \u201cnext to me\u201d is not entirely accurate; he\u2019s curled up at my feet, which is admittedly odd. But, still, it\u2019s not every day \u2026 OWWWW \u2026 dude, what the hell? Danny just bit my ankle \u2026 hold on \u2026 he\u2019s motioning to me frantically with his tiny hands, it\u2019s actually kind of cute. I can\u2019t understand a word he\u2019s saying, he speaks in the high pitched lilt that is common to the tiny highland elves from which Danny is descended. Imagine Alvin and the Chipmunks on fast forward and subtract the cuteness factor and that just about approximates it. Now he\u2019s scribbling frantically on his \u201cI\u2019m a Lil\u2019 Devil\u201d chalkboard I bought him. You should see him hold the chalk, it looks huge in his tiny, effeminate hands.<\/p>\n
OK, he\u2019s handed me the chalkboard, apparently he wants me to describe him as tall. I told him I will agree to that arrangement only if I can put him in people\u2019s gardens and make it look like the lawn gnomes are having their way with him. He declined \u2026 lame. I might do it anyway; he\u2019s so tiny he\u2019d be unable to fight back. I reach down and tussle his hair, his right leg starts moving spastically, it\u2019s so cute when he does that. He just hopped up and did his elaborate dance with some pompoms and streamers (set to Tiffany\u2019s long and justifiably forgotten hit \u2018Danny\u2019) which is meant to indicate he is ready for the game to start. It\u2019s adorable, even the parts when his stubby legs fail him and he falls down on his face. The cruel mistress that is nature made his arms too short so he\u2019s not able to push himself back up, that\u2019s when I spring to action. I grab him by his suspenders and hoist him and his flailing but tiny limbs into the air to set him back on his feet. I sure do love that little maniac.<\/p>\n
Well, that drive by the Redskins offense started off promising but we failed to score again. Starting to wonder if maybe we should have drafted an offensive lineman but Cody Glenn actually fist bumped me at the draft! He totally knows I exist! What choice did I have? And Robert Henson said \u201cyou my dawg VC\u201d AND high-fived me! Um, hello, like, totally! Although that pick hasn\u2019t ended up being very \u201ctweet.\u201d Pun! I start to share my awesome pun with Danny when I realized he\u2019s nearly drowning in a dixie cup. Tom Cruise (who is somehow shorter) is panicking and reciting his \u201chelp me help you\u201d line from the wildly overrated \u2018Jerry Maguire.\u2019 I grab some ice tongs and pluck Danny out of the cup and towel him off vigorously with a cocktail napkin. Crisis averted by V to the C! On the field is another story, even the defense looks bad right now. Sometimes I think it\u2019s funny when Greg Blache says the only tapes he watches are re-runs of the \u2018Golden Girls\u2019 and sometimes I kinda wish he would watch game tape. Oh no! Oh no! Albert Haynesworth just collapsed on the field. That\u2019s bad. Fortunately Danny missed it as he and Tom are fighting over a cocktail wiener I dropped on the floor next to me. They both lost to a particularly determined ant.<\/p>\n
Danny has actually started watching the game now. We\u2019ve found that stools and tall chairs are out of the question since he falls out of them so easily when the AC kicks on or someone coughs even two suites over. Instead we bought him one of those things babies sit in where you attach it (the thing, not Danny, trust me, we made that mistake once \u2026 live and learn) to the top of a door frame and put them in a harness. The ones they sell in the store are way too big so we rigged one up with some shoelaces. He\u2019s dangling next to me and he seems to be unhappy though it\u2019s virtually impossible to tell by looking at his face. Not because he\u2019s stoic or anything like that (far from it, he\u2019s in a state of constant panic like a small bird) but because his face lacks the distinguishing characteristics (a la eyebrows, lips you can see) that might suggest emotion. It\u2019s been said he looks like a rat but rats have those cute little whiskers and Danny is incapable of growing facial hair. His press conference stand in has all of those things but the real McCoy is like a china doll minus the collector value. Uh oh, he just threw his juice box at the window which means he\u2019s mad. It\u2019s largely an ineffective gesture since his arms can barely generate any power but it does mean it\u2019s time to put him back on the floor where Tom is wrestling with (and losing badly to) a gnat.<\/p>\n
Danny is using his red phone to call down to the field and demand some changes. It\u2019s not actually connected to anything; in fact, it\u2019s not a real phone. I took a red plastic child\u2019s phone, peeled off the stickers and replaced them with pictures of the coaching staff. For some reason he is pushing the button for Danny Smith, I don\u2019t think he knows who actually does what. He\u2019s also dragged out his shoe box of NFL player cards circa 1995; he wants me to go sign Troy Aikman. It\u2019s so cute. I glance down at the field, the game is over and Zorn is \u2026 well, he\u2019s standing there, unblinking and staring off into space. I wish that didn\u2019t remind me so much of his interview. He tends to space out like that \u2026 well, a lot, I call it the Zorn Zone, he calls it \u201cstaying medium\u201d and a doctor I consulted calls it \u201can acid flashback.\u201d But who really knows? I grab some tweezers and pick Danny off the floor and slip him into my wallet. I have no idea where Tom is, I think a rat ate him. C\u2019est la vie! It occurs to me, belatedly, that I shouldn\u2019t write this all down. Oh well, that\u2019s why I wrote \u2018For VC Only (and Danny, if he ever learns to read)\u2019 on the outside. Foolproof plan! Byeeeeeeee!<\/p>\n
Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"